The Clean Plater by Ogden Nash (mmm.. food poetry)

The Clean Plater

Some singers sing of ladies' eyes,
And some of ladies lips,
Refined ones praise their ladylike ways,
And course ones hymn their hips.
The Oxford Book of English Verse
Is lush with lyrics tender;
A poet, I guess, is more or less
Preoccupied with gender.
Yet I, though custom call me crude,
Prefer to sing in praise of food.
Food,
Yes, food,
Just any old kind of food.

Pheasant is pleasant, of course,
And terrapin, too, is tasty,
Lobster I freely endorse,
In pate or patty or pasty.
But there's nothing the matter with butter,
And nothing the matter with jam,
And the warmest greetings I utter
To the ham and the yam and the clam.
For they're food,
All food,
And I think very fondly of food.
Through I'm broody at times
When bothered by rhymes,
I brood
On food.

Some painters paint the sapphire sea,
And some the gathering storm.
Others portray young lambs at play,
But most, the female form.
“Twas trite in that primeval dawn
When painting got its start,
That a lady with her garments on
Is Life, but is she Art?
By undraped nymphs
I am not wooed;
I'd rather painters painted food.
Food,
Just food,
Just any old kind of food.

Go purloin a sirloin, my pet,
If you'd win a devotion incredible;
And asparagus tips vinaigrette,
Or anything else that is edible.
Bring salad or sausage or scrapple,
A berry or even a beet.
Bring an oyster, an egg, or an apple,
As long as it's something to eat.
If it's food,
It's food;
Never mind what kind of food.
When I ponder my mind
I consistently find
It is glued
On food.

Ogden Nash

Ketsup, Catsup, Ketchup, Ketsup

Not only it's spelling a source of confusion, but catsup is also seriously questioned as a legitimate sauce: I have a European-born friend that denounces this smooth, soothing sauce as being, "stereotypically American" and tasting vile. Jason finds it generally unnecessary and sometimes disgusting. Why the conflict?

For me, it enhances the experience of eating many of my favorite foods, including eggs and cheeseburgers. It's cool, smooth, and juxtaposed to the texture of many of the foods it's eaten with. When something is dry, it lends a tasty and moist remedy.

And for me (Jason here), I think that too many people have suffered through meals prepared by bad cooks and have a knee jerk reaction to smother everything in "old red". Ketchup has it's place, but save it for your Aunt Edna's tasteless boiled chicken.

What's your opinion?

Ratatouille

What do you do with three enormous zuccinis? Make ratatouille.

Spent Grain Beer Bread

Being ambitious means making the most of your resources. So what about using the spent grains from a batch of home brew? When you get into intermediate or advanced home brewing, you will be using barley to either create the malt you'll ferment or to add flavor to a malt extract. The problem is what to do with the extra.

I usually put it in the compost bin. But that is a thing of the past. Last weekend, we made a porter and we used the grains to make some beer bread.

Here are a few links for beer bread recipes.

Steve Morrisey's Spent Grain Bread
Ofortuna's Bread (scroll down a bit)
Mill Rat's Bread


We tried Steve's and Rat's breads and both were delicious. I think next time we'll try to use it for pizza dough.

The Big Four Oh

That's right. After all of these years on Earth, I've finally reached that point. I didn't think it would ever happen, but that day has come. Monday, Labor Day, is it. It is the day that I'm having a party with forty guests. That's right, four-oh!

Now, you could argue that this is not big deal. Everyone has had parties before. This one is different than the parties of youth. A keg of cheap beer and a massive quantity of stale nachos are not going to suffice.

So as I host my first adult party, with a spread of killer B's: Beer, Brats, Burgers, and BBQ Brisket, the real question is how much do we need? You don't want to be in the unenviable position of not having enough, but having burgers for leftovers for two or three weeks is absurd.

The internet, the wild west of information sources, has proved to be very helpful in this case. The best article I found suggested the following:

Hors D'oeuvres

• 6 bites when preceding a meal.
• 4 - 6 bites per hour when hors d'oeuvres are the meal.
• The longer your party and the larger your guest list, the greater the number of selections you should offer.

The Main Meal

• Poultry, meat or fish - 6 ounces when you have one main dish, 8 ounces when you offer two or more main courses.
• Rice, grains - 1.5 ounces as a side dish, 2 ounces in a main dish such as risotto
• Potatoes - 5 ounces
• Vegetables - 4 ounces
• Beans - 2 ounces as a side dish
• Pasta - 2 ounces for a side dish, 3 ounces for a first course, 4 ounces for a main dish
• Green Salad - 1 ounce undressed weight

Desserts

• 1 slice cake, tart or pastry
• 4 ounces creamy dessert such as pudding or mousse
• 5 ounces ice cream
• When serving two of the above, reduce each by a little less than half.

This is great. This makes the calculation fairly easy. So let's go through the exercise of estimating how much we need for 40 guests.

Appetizers: 6 bites x 40 people = 240 Bites
(This one I'm cheating on since we're just going to buy chips and salsa and veggies and dip.)

Main meals: Meat 8 oz x 40 people = 320 oz or 20 lbs.
This should be easy. I'm smoking a 6 lbs brisket so I'll need 7lbs of burgers and brats, each.

Potato Salad: 5 oz x 40 people = 200 oz or 12.5 lbs

Beans: 2 oz x 40 people = 80 oz or 5 lbs

Dessert:
I'm cheating on dessert. My sister has decided to bring a cake, so she's in charge. We're providing the ice cream to go along with it, but that should be enough.

The only thing left is to estimate beverages. Unfortunately, there isn't as much information on the internet about that. Any suggestions?

Watermelon and Peach Wine

It rained for nearly two days one weekend in September. Being drawn indoors gave us the perfect excuse to try some food and beverage experiments we'd been meaning to get to this summer.

We found this recipe, and began prepping. We chose to prepare a 3-gallon batch, so we tripled the quantities in the original recipe.

And, it's a much messier process than we thought, beginning with cutting the watermelon. Slice the watermelon in half, and then cut the rind off. We recommend cutting the melon in half (horizontally) and placing the flat end on the cutting board to slice off the rind.


We used a strainer to drain the liquid from the watermelon and peaches, applying pressure with a potato masher. Caution: make certain the drainer is large enough to fit in your pot without the sides slipping down (we learned that tip the hard way).

The fermentation process was one of the most interesting we've ever seen. Despite our straining efforts, some pulp from the watermelon and peaches ended up in the carboy. And did it bubble! It looked a bit like a science experiment, but the real question is: how will it taste? I guess we'll find out in a few weeks.

The zen of Mac and Cheese

As you know, Theresa and I each entered the Tillamook Mac and Cheese contest with two recipes. To do this, we studies the past contest winners to get at the essense of Mac and Cheese for a base. Then we each added our own flourish.

Mac and cheese can be divided into four parts:

1) the mac
2) the sauce
3) the cheese
4) the flourish


The Mac
This is the boring part. Buy macaroni, prepare according to package directions.

The sauce
This is a fairly straight forward part of the recipe. You make a basic white sauce with 2 T each of butter and flour along with 1 cup of milk. Melt the butter, mix in the flour until the lumps are gone, then add the milk. Simmer until thick.

You can vary this with the type of milk. Also, you can add spices, but that really falls under flourish.


The cheese
Once you've made the sauce, add in the cheese you desire. Some cheeses melt better than others. You can really be creative in the types and amounts of cheese you add. Cheddar is my favorite. Gruyere never hurt anyone. Mix your cheese into the sauce slowly melting it until you have a delicious cheese sauce.

The flourish
This is your shot. Go for the gold. Everything from apples to lobster, herbs to ham; mix and match 'til your heart's content.

Check out this recipe to see if you can identify the four steps.